A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.
After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.
"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"
The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"
"Because I have sh!t running up my neck!!!"
This is the cleanest airplane joke I know...
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
A blonde boards a plane showing the flight attendant her ticket. "22C," the flight attendant says, "all the way back, aisle."
The blonde walks three feet and sits into a first class seat.
"I'm sorry," the flight attendant says, "you cannot sit there. That's first class." By now the other passengers are bottled up at the boarding gate and some are getting restless.
Blonde turns on the water works and cries, "I want to sit HERE," refusing to budge.
Finally a guy step forward and tells the flight attendant he'll take care of it. The flight attendant looks at him with a 'take your best shot' smile.
The mean leans down to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She shows him her ticket, he looks it over and whispers again. Suddenly the blonde jumps up and heads to her seat.
The flight attendant asks, "What did you say?"
The man replies, "I asked to see her ticket. It said, "Houston". I told her first class was only going as far as St. Louis."
I've always liked Pilot humor stories and one of my favorites of some years ago had to do with airlines. The airline industry was at it's pinnacle and advertising was in full force by most all of them on how safe and convenient air travel was and how their service excelled. At the time Eastern Airlines had an advertising blitz going on how safe it was to fly with them. Their advertisements were everywhere, in magazines, on billboards and even on television. Always featured their chief pilot of training, Jim Hawkins (just made up the name as I don't remember who the guy was) who had gazillions of actual flying time; and it always had a picture of smiling Jim in the cockpit with a caption that said all Eastern Airline pilots where trained and under his scrutiny. Then one Sunday afternoon at a busy midsized city airport that would have only one runway in service at a time for incoming and departing flights, several planes were lined up waiting for their turn to take off, there was a delay giving an Eastern Airline time to land. The Eastern pilot made a terrible landing, bouncing maybe three times, and from the lineup of private pilots came a anonymous radio transmission of "is that you, Jim ...?"
Steve ~ we always considered a ride in one of the Navy's Connies (even though they did seat backward) real first class. Our standard mode of air travel looked like this and it meant for a long duration in the air with not all that much distance covered!
[img width=640 height=390]http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h226/dww0825/r4q_fairchild_f-boxcar_usmc2maw_apr.jpg[/img]
I'm not sure, but I think I have at least one flight in one of those.
The Connie I was in wasn't a transport. We were equipped for comms and radar jamming. I even had my very own Morse key.
Comms had two positions HF and UHF. HF had 3 trailing antenna, one on each wingtip and one from aft of the M&M (lower radome). Those antenna lines were L-O-N-G when I was down in the 2 meg range. One det in the Caribbean the starboard line refused to retract. My inflight tech told me to cut it. So I did. My Comm Officer asked, as part of landing checklist if antennas were retracted. I told him 1 & 3 were in but 2 was somewhere in the Carib. He asked if I'd done a radar sweep first to ensure nobody was going to take 30lbs of lead for 10,000 feet. OOPS. I blamed it on the IFT.
A pilot fairy tale....
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful flight attendant, "Will you marry me?" The flight attendant said "NO!" So the pilot lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and was constantly with skinny big breasted women and hunted and raced cars and flew fast airplanes and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and tequilla and never heard complaining and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on deployment and all his friends and family thought he was ultra cool as heck and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.....
The end.
A mother and her 5 -year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
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